Exhale by Brandi Knight and Christina Paul

Notes from us to you:

Everyday you learn to never judge a book by it's cover; that is the angle we wanted when we started to write this. From the outside things may look like a nice family photo but you really can never tell what is going on behind closed doors. This was meant to be a part of a journal - I changed the names in the story (with the exception of my own) because that was a requirement of publishing it on my blog. What we did was take a few real stories and characters (that belong to me and my girlfriends) and meshed them all into one character and life story. We tried to capture the emotions and personality of a single character in the first person. I think we did a wonderful job of writing a storyline without actually writing a story. I think if we could fine tune it a little bit and have the time to add more pages to complete the journal, we would have a nice little series to work on. Tell us what you think, how you related to the character? It was hard to write in the first person with two people but it was a unique challenge and I'm down to do it anytime.

Exhale by Brandi Knight and Christina Paul

I am not sure where to start but this has been a tough year and an especially tough week. See I've been married for a decade...we are finally about to get divorce. Once we can afford it that is. It's strange how it feels like a big surprise but it's been a long time coming.

I am also stress out to the max. I am also in the middle of an eviction. There is no money left to liquefy because I carried our family through the last 2 and 1/2 years he wasn't working. It's funny, he finally gets a job (which I of course bought the certifications, license, and schooling for him to get this job), then he starts gambling, doing drugs and whatever else he was up to that I never found out about. Disappearing in the middle of the night until like 4 or 5 am; and I still didn't question him - well not really, I just was joking until he started to get defensive. I just don't know how I was so foolish.

Not to mention that anything that is of worth right now is sitting in the pawn shop. He lost about 4K somewhere where and he can't recall anything about it - (and yes I bought this story too), and all my bills are coming up unpaid - even though I did give him the money or at least access to the money so he could pay it. It's crazy, I work all the time and make decent enough money but there just isn't enough to cover life with this D-bag. I mean I bought this man a new truck and smart phone as an early Christmas present last year, as an incentive to get a job. Then he tells me I treat him like shit, that I have unreasonable expectations, and that he is doing the best he can and I don't appreciate him. I ate this shit up then came back for more. Oh not to mention I let them take 6K from my income tax for his back child support and didn't file an injured spouse form.

I mean I look back on it and I just can't believe what a freaking idiot I was. All for what? He did all the little things and was a master manipulator and a pretty good liar. I swear the ten years of foot massages or days he would take care of the little things, broken promises, and blatant lies is definitely not worth or equal to all the time, effort and energy I put into this relationship. I just feel so slighted, relieved, angry, happy, exhausted...etc.

It took me until a few days ago, when I finally caught him red handed (well, again - this most recent time) to finally kick him to the curb...he said that he was "on call" for his job (which he usually does so it was not out of the ordinary). However, our phones got disconnected because he didn't take care of the bill (even though I gave him the money), so I called his boss because he didn't wake up the night before and his boss was already mad about that and close to firing him. So like I usually do, I rush into to cover his butt and let his boss know that our phones just got disconnected and in the meantime he can call my Mom's cell but until he got back from being "on all", there was no way to get a hold of him. His boss then says, I never sent him to the work site, so unless he is working for another company - I didn't send him out.

So he drags his ass in about 4AM - and I ask him where he was (like 10 times, just hoping he'll tell me the truth for once...like an idiot), then when I told him I spoke to his boss; he says he was at the casino. I clarify the story he's telling me, with all the money we don't have (I mean we are literally going to the food bank in order to feed my children), and he goes to the casino with his $350.00 check (his first one since he lost that 4K). He sticks to this story too. I mean it is believable - knowing him. That is the sad part about it. He is probably addicted to gambling, it would make perfect sense. However, about 7 years ago I helped him recover from his meth addiction - and he has been smoking pot pretty heavy lately so it could be drugs. He also cheated on me - once with a 16 year old girl and another time with someone he worked with (at a job he got because of me), and another time with this butch dyke named Daryl and probably some other times I don't know about - so it could be as simple as him finding a side dish he preferred more. Hell, maybe it's all three of these wrongs (drugs, cheating, and gambling), in addition to whatever I else I don't know about the man I spent the last 10 years with. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me??? I know what he would say, that I was being insecure and then he would ask me a question like, "When would I have time for any of this when any time I'm not working - I'm with you?" - Which I would then think, "oh, it's just me", and I would even apologize and try to "make it up" to him. God, WTF was wrong with me...it is simple math (time at work ≠ to money he brings home).

I mean - how did I still love him after all this? How did I trust him with everything still - after all this "history"? He isn't even the tiniest bit remorseful or willing to offer any kind of explanation about his recent disappearances. In fact when I finally kicked him to the curb and asked for a divorce, his reaction was, “Over this?” like it was not a big deal, like it wasn't the straw that broke the camels back.

That is the moment when all the years of stupidity just smacked me in the face, and I had to restrain myself from punching him in his throat. How could I have been so incredibly stupid to stay doing this for a decade? I promise you this though - I am so broken and tired, I don't think I'll ever be relationship capable again. He has ruined me for anyone else later.

You know what the best part is? We live in a community state - he will be entitled to half my future as well. He has already cashed out all of his retirement plans - so yeah. I don't know. This is my life right now. Can’t wait to go into the custody battle either because I am military, in the eyes of the court he is the stabilized parent.

I wonder how he saw our relationship through his eyes sometimes, if he really believes all that shit he spins about how he tried, how he did make sacrifices, he was there when he was needed...or if he knew what he was doing and just took full advantage of the ride for as long as he could make me believe I didn't want it to be over? My friend’s say the latter is the truth but it couldn't have been just me that was in love for 10 years, right? I couldn't really be that stupid, right? I sit here wondering a lot these days about stuff like that even though I shouldn't. I know I WILL NOT take him back this time. Hell, maybe he is right? Maybe I did treat him like shit and deserved everything he has done to me in the last 10 years. What the fuck am I talking about...hell no I did not. I still remember the look on his face when he raped me after I had my daughter when he was high on meth and I know I didn't deserve that. I should have left him back then for good. No I should have left him the day I meet his tweeker ass mother him for even being related to a person like that. So fuck that, I KNOW I didn't deserve the shit he put me through. I am just an idiot for staying with someone like that. I really can't tell you why I did, except I just loved him. That is not a good enough excuse though, there must be something wrong with me. I must be sick or some kind of masochistic, twisted person on the inside. I have to be because after all of this there is still a permanent place in my heart for him.

It's just I am trying to see the logic with me staying with him for all these years and I just can't. Though during the whole time we were married, I thought it made perfect sense...that we were just going through rough patches and it would all work out or that it was a strung of bad luck and bad decision making and we could work through it. I mean we have been through everything together; there was nothing we couldn't work out?

I mean I am intelligent (even though it really, really doesn't feel like it right now), funny, attractive, loving, forgiving and low-maintenance...how could someone in good conscience pull all the crap he has done to someone who loved and had faith in him with everything she had? I keep going through this rig-ma-roll in my head - maybe it's my way of grieving and eventually I have to stop myself and think: "FUCK THIS, I AM AWESOME AND I DESERVE MORE; LET IT GO, CLEAN UP THE MESS, AND GET OVER IT."

That is what I will do; it's just right now I just can't stop thinking though. I should go to bed because I have to be up at 4:30 in the morning but I just got to get some of these thoughts out so maybe they'll stop swirling around in my head. It's not that I am dreading sleeping alone either, I am used to it. I don't know what my problem is. I mean there were some good and happy times too; it wasn't all just utter crap. It's almost like every time I would be about ready to cut my losses, something would happen and we would be okay again for a couple of months and I would eat it up and be like, "this is the way it is supposed to be." Unless he utterly hated me and wanted to mind fuck me from the get go...I just don't understand why he put me through all of this? I mean I know towards the very end there he did face the wrath of a woman's scorn but in my opinion, he deserved it and probably so much more because of everything else he did and all the stuff that I just had no idea he was doing.

I just feel so disappointed in myself, like I did something wrong. Like I wasn't a good enough woman to make the man he could have been, be the man is. One of my really good friends says that is how it feels when you love an addict. Its part of this whole co-dependent vicious cycle. That things will get better from here on out...that I just have to stay strong, don't take him back, and don't let all that bitterness and angriness take over and replace the wonderful person that I am. He gave his ex over 10 years of his life before he actually caught a clue. Thank god for good friends, they help make you feel like not such a twat in your twat-est moments. Like there is hope because at least you’re not the only absolute idiot walking the planet and that you can actually recover from it.

I usually am not one to hold a grudge, at least not for longer than 3 months; but I feel all this bitterness and anger just bubbling around me like hot lava. Every time I see him, I just want to destroy him so he is on the same level as I am. I won't allow myself to be that petty though. Seriously, right now I'm broken not hurt and I just want revenge. It's hard for me to restrain myself from saying what I think or feel when I am around him. I have to be better at remaining civil because we do have children together and they don't need to see this mess. It's hard though because I find new reasons to be angry every other hour. For instance, just the thought of this, because I can bet you anything I have now; that in the next years to come he's going to actually follow through with the things I tried to get him to do, like I don't know, maybe just become a responsible adult overnight or something just to spite me.

Though I am grateful for not receiving all the "I told you so" from everyone; I know I more than deserve them. I guess all of what I'm going through, has been gone through before. It just feels like I am the only idiot that has ever walked the earth to not see a relationship for what is was. I know that is not true. It just feels that way. I have emotionally face-palmed myself to death at this point and I should just stop. I just can't seem too.

It's weird that is how I know that this is finally over and I know I won't take him back...I have cried exactly once and it wasn't even really over the relationship. It was because of the look a stranger gave me, when I was telling them about the eviction because I am trying to find a roof to put over my children's head. I haven't cried over him or anything related to this whole thing being over except for in that moment.

Alright, I guess I've had my vent and dusted off a lot of the old skeletons in my closet. I need to sleep because I have to go to work. I just had to get some of these poison thoughts and feelings out so they don't eat away at me until I am this broken, bitter, angry, and hateful woman. I never understood how some women could let themselves become that after a break-up because I have always remained friends with ex's I had strong feelings for in the past. Now, I know - first hand and it's a hard battle to not let yourself be consumed by all that negative emotion. I know I have written a book here but I have bigger things to wrap my brain around and I can't afford the time and energy it takes to feel this way about a single human being. Hopefully, this little novella will serve enough as the type of closure the human psyche needs.

Hopefully, in the morning when I get up and look in the mirror...the light I used to carry in my eyes will be there again...no matter if it is dim or faded; as long as it is there I will be okay. At least, that is what I keep telling myself :) It can only get better for me from here. Right?

Actually, I lied it is 1:39AM now and when I went to go to sleep I just couldn't, and I did just cry over him. I was just mentally bitch slapping myself again. I can't seem to stop.